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In one of my favorite books, Soul Care by Rob Reimer, he writes about some of the following ideas. I have expanded on them and provided real-life examples. Our wounds are typically protected by a false-self our subconscious made when we were children. Once we are capable adults – we can ask for guidance to heal old wounds in order to thrive as adults. I tell people not go digging tirelessly for something from their childhood. Your responsibility is to look honestly at what is illuminated in front of you, or as my friend Peggy Hess calls it, “Your Invitation”.

I made this acronym because it reminds me that I picked this process for myself.  

PIC’D

Pettiness

Imaginations

Compulsiveness

Defending

1. Pay attention to your pettiness(s) – pettiness protects a false-self. i.e.: what is it about yourself, or others, that annoys you? For example: laziness, judgmental attitudes, codependent behavior, entitlement, sleep, pride, messiness, etc. 

2.  Pay attention to your imaginations – they are telling you a story about your pain and wounding – they reveal what is in your heart as a false-platform. For example: “Everyone will see I’m right”, “They will come back groveling when they realize they are wrong”, and “I’ll be able to reject them, so I can hurt them back and show them how it feels”. 

3. Pay attention to your compulsiveness(s) – they also preserve a false-self. i.e.: what do you ‘have’ to do, in order to be okay? For example: perfectionistic tendencies, cleaning, drinking, sex, shopping, work, knowledge seeking, etc. 

4. When you feel the desire to defend yourself – don’t. Defending, excuses, and the like come from a place of shame – insecurity or pride. For example: excuses because you’re afraid to say ‘no’ directly, reasons why your kid is behaving a certain way, explaining why your house isn’t tidy. 

Pettiness protects a wounded false-self. It is typical when we are feeling or acting petty, that a wound inside is trying to get our attention. It can be petty things we do, or the petty things others do that cause frustration. 

My example is entitlement: I get angry when others act entitled – it irks me. 

I’m working on it because I’ve realized it is because I felt ‘without’ as a child. I felt deprived of emotional bonding and physical affection. So, my pettiness protects a wound. When I realize my angst towards a pettiness, I will journal about it on a Reflection Work Sheet (I can provide this Work Sheet if you want one). Another helpful strategy I use is my positive self-talk: when the pettiness annoyance surfaces, I rehearse, 

“You’re okay Bethany”

“I’m here for you now”

“You have everything you need”. 

I talk to my little-Bethany-self to reinforce the truth in my adult moment. 

Imaginations – if you’re anything like me, this could be the hardest one to overcome. When pride rises-up, we get a mental reward (release of serotonin) when we make ‘helpful’ endings to imaginary stories – or imaginary endings to real life stories. I’ve decided not to allow imaginary stories to dominate. I want something that serves me – they don’t serve me well in the end. I intently listen to my imagination and take notes to find the root-wound. 

My most recent discovery was another layer on my father wounds. There was a guy sitting in front of me and I kept imagining that he would turn around and ask me on a date. Then I would emphatically flash my wedding ring, just so I could reject him. It played over and over in my imagination. Finally, I noticed the tape on replay. I quieted myself and inquired within myself about the wound. Immediately – father wounds came to mind. OUCH! This revelation was hard to handle. But it set me on a path to freedom. I wanted to forgive and let go of desiring retribution and find my way to healing. 

Compulsiveness reinforces the protected wounded-self. Instead of looking at what is aggravating, we turn to compulsive behaviors and stuff-down our feelings trying to get our attention.

I’m feeling something I don’t like, I start to clean. 

I’m feeling something I don’t like, I start into perfectionistic tendencies. 

I feel something I don’t like, where is the wine?

I wanted to avoid looking at what it is SAYING to me. Why? Because it’s painful. I know.

Now, I try to be mindful when compulsive feelings creep-in. Why am I cleaning obsessively? I need to stop and look at what just happened. Define the wound I’m trying to protect with compulsiveness. Then, put down the broom and do whatever it takes to start healing.  

Defensiveness is the most difficult for me. Don’t defend yourself. Ever. What? Huh? No reasons? No excuses? No defensive ploys to cover my insecurity? It makes me feel naked. Seriously. We use defensiveness so our insecurities feel better. 

But, instead this is what I do now – l stop. Lean into my Faith. Ask for comfort. 

This one is so hard for me. It always comes back to ‘what will they think?’ Idolizing ‘people’s opinions’ is still idolizing. 

There is a caveat here. Sometimes we may need a reason or explanation for something. To our boss, our spouse, our friends, etc. Ask for discernment as a guide – what part is legit reason and what part is me trying to protect myself. This is what accountability looks like, and it’s good and okay. It’s not okay when we are defending to protect ourselves and stay small.

Until Next Time.